Business Travel Bupkiss – Annoyances & Confusions

January 27th, 2011 No Comments Tags: , , ,

Ahh yes, yet another buz travel day. This time I was up before the crack of dawn on the Toronto to Ottawa flight, better know as the 45 minute roller coaster ride. When the temperature of these 2 cities differs by say 5 degrees or more on the same day you’ll find 2 weather fronts collide with some rockin’ and a rollin’ way up in the sky. Make sure that little white bag is in your seat pouch my friends because you just might need it. The last time I flew I found humour (on November 23). This time I’m just not feeling the love to find humour. My annoying alarm jolted me awake from a dream with shadows of Me and Oprah hanging out – and now I don’t know the ending – good grief….off to the airport…

Next stop is the beloved security check. I’m not in any mood to get up close and personal with anybody with rubber gloves this fine morning. I make sure all of the metal is removed from my person so put my belt in my computer bag, not wanting that dang buzzer to sound. I get through, buzzer free. But aha, the fellow looking at my bag through the x-ray machine finds a suspicious metal object. They rifle through my bag to find – yes you guessed it TA DA the belt I removed before walking through the scanner ….say what??

Ok, off to the gate, awaiting the boarding announcement. I always feel mystified by some of the logistics. They are sometimes so darn illogical. Why don’t they call the people sitting on the window seats first, cause it usually happens that the “aisle seaters” get in before the window seaters who need to get out to let in the……well you know the drill. Why is it that the folks with the weakest bladders seem to always sit by the window…I’m just sayin’.

Then the folks who don’t have any sense of their personal space board. Ya you know this person – Norton Napsack who swivels around to bonk you in the head when you least expect it. Good morning chump. He’s usually followed by Katie the Kaffeinator who not only has bags hanging off of each shoulder but a full cup of coffee in hand. Hmmmmm let me guess Katie you’re not from the planning department, because I don’t think you thought this thing through. If I don’t bounce up to intercept your cuppa-joe you’re gonna spill it on my perty little head….”Here let me help you”….before I get scalded, mumble, mumble, mumble. No I’m really not that nice, I’m just into self preservation before the sun rises.

The roller coast ride has begun. An announcement used to come on overhead “Hello this is Captain Cook speaking….blah blah blah, feel free to move freely about the cabin – blah blah blah”. Oh ya, let’s get up and do the 20 Minute Workout with all of the space we have – lunge baby lunge. There’s not enough space to change my mind let alone break into a set of jumping jacks. Who’s he kidding?? By the way, is it just me or is it a prerequisite for all pilots to have such nice voices…. Maybe they have a voice synthesizer like a karaoke machine so they all sound that good, hmmmmm. I digress….

And yes, this morning I have The Jolly Green Giant sitting in front of me who reclines his seat back only to find my nose being 8″ from the seat back in front of me – ho ho ho. I need air!! If my tray table was down when he reclined I’d have gotten it right in the gut. How about the heim-lick procedure when nothing’s stuck in your throat – UG?

So now we’re circling for a landing and they announce you’re only allowed to keep earbud earplugs in your ears. Okey-dokey. How’s Eddie the Earphone guy who’s finding serenity with his state of the art sound-blocker head set on gonna know what you just announced la la la la la …. Maybe they need a little electric buzzer to give him the heads up.

I’m seated 3 rows in front of Cat woman who brought Muffy the cat on board in a kitty bag meow meow meow meow. Did Muffy put it’s little paws up in the scanner before she boarded? Muffy did the meow meow meow before landing, perhaps her little ears were popping. Maybe she was wondering if the pilot forgot to put the wheels down like I was thinking, hmmmmm. Does Muffy have a furball to chew on to help her ears??

Ah yes, it’s our lucky day where we had a tailwind and we get to land early. I usually find 1 of 2 things in this circumstance – 1 Captain Cook touches down on the runway furtherest away from the airport, leaving a tropo longo taxi ride in OR the ground crew are on break at Tim Horton’s because they weren’t expecting us so soon….early shmirly….

So we’re at our destination. In some modern airports they have a super-fast walkway. I find all of the Type A’s scurry importantly on this master-mover. To their dismay they arrive at the baggage claim only to wait even longer if they took the regular walkway OR if they put one foot in front of the other and got there the old fashioned way….. Perhaps Ernie the Engineer who thought this contraption up should have thought this through a little better – yes someone else NOT from the planning department. Why not connect the ultra fast paced belt from the plane to the bag carousel so yes your bag will be ready FOR YOU when you reach it…….Now that’s using you noggin’.

Off to the meeting……

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