Business Travel Bupkiss – Humour at 40,000 Feet

November 23rd, 2010 No Comments Tags: , , , , ,

Oh, the joy of domestic air travel. A good sense of humour is your best companion most times in life, especially when you travel. I’m on one of those 4 hour jobbers, give or take. When I travel, my secrets for staying sane are very intricate and learned over years of experience.

My rule number 1 is get a seat on the aisle. Even though seats feel oh so small and uncomfortable AND way too confining, at least you can do a leaner into the aisle if you need to when claustrophobia strikes. That’s provided the no-longer-svelte stuardess is coming through with her cart. STOP banging my arm again lady.

Hmmm a cart. I’m on one of those manga-cake flights that offer no food unless you buy it. Funny I’m sitting in economy class, paid over a thousand bucks to go to NoWhere Ville for a biz meeting and I get bupkiss to eat unless I pay for it. Ya right, I’ve been on 1 hour puddle hopper flights in Europe where they will at least serve a panini by a chic stuardess with an accent. But today, I get bupkiss.

Ok, rule number 2, which I’ve written about before on July 26 is to bring earphones to shut out the world. Ya, there’s Mr. Business Guy sitting a few rows back who looks like Will Farrell with his on oblivious to his surroundings la la la la. Once I feel ready to watch something on the monitor I press the panel until I reach the HBO TV station for this month’s stand up comedian. Ahhh comedy, one simple way of soothing the savage beast. What do I find? Bupkiss again. Perhaps my 4 digit payout for the cheap seat didn’t provide enough revenue for them to buy the rights for a good stand up routine. Good grief! Ah well, a colleague of mine is sitting in the row behind. I wouldn’t want her thinking anything untoward of me anyways….

So I opt for the back-up plan and find, yes you guessed it, the Food Channel. Hmmm let’s see. First of all, I can’t really see because the font on the screen is oh so small. I’m still in my needing “reading glasses denial phase”. This phase short changes me from reading anything other than a headline in the newspaper. I can barely view what’s being served on a decent restaurant menu and what’s being featured on the in-flight TV system. I decide – Michelin Stars, a show narrated by a food writer William Sitwell on master chefs’ plight to obtain Michelin Star status. “Sit well”, that’s exactly what I’m doing. Pretty well, I guess….

I get lost in the restaurant drama and elaborate descriptions of delectable dishes mmmmMmmm. My blood sugar is dropping to 4 now and on the “hunger scale” out of 10 I’m feeling an 8 – rumble rumble rumble. All the while the big boned couple beside me decide to partake in the purchased pseudo-food fare on the flight. What do they order, let’s see, a styrofoam-esque bun sandwich with unrecognizable meat inside wrapped 3 times in cellophane. Yummy yum. Yes and a can of neatly stacked Pringles. All that goodness washed down with local hooch that doubles as red wine. The bird picture on the label looks like it was drawn by a 6 year old with developmental delay. So appetizing. All this juxtaposed while I watch Raymond Blanc talk about his restaurant at The Manoir au Quat Saison. Oh mon dieux….I digress….

A few hours into the flight and the stuardess strolls down with her pile of mini plastic cups and plastic jug with foggy water inside. Somehow my thirst just subsided. I don’t have a hankering for plankton, thanks. I think I’ll wait it out a few hours before I find a drink. Even one I must pay for. An hour later she returns with some “plankton-free” water, so I splurge for some.

My flying “washroom rule” is to avoid waiting until I can’t wait any more. Sounds logical but the logistics can be tricky at times when unexpected turbulence occurs. But my aging bladder is fickle so I need to pay special attention to “down dere”. The last think you want to do while travelling is to decide to go AFTER turbulence and especially after being used by any man who was stuck in their when turbulence started…. if you catch my drift. I hate a mess….especially someone else’s…

I think Daisy May beside me is having a hot flash now and the heat is reverberating off me. Oh no!! Time to tear off my blazer and crank up the air flow before it sets my hot flash sequence off – seven, six, five, four….. Ground control to Major Tom….Ok time to pretend I’m a yogi and concentrate on my deep breathing, close my eyes and relax. In deep out, in deep out, in deep out, in deep out. Ummmmmmmm. Are we there yet??

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