Archive for the ‘Funnies By a Foodie’ Category

FLAT Like a Pancake…Ma’am

February 12th, 2013 No Comments Tags: , ,

Yes folks the dawning of Pancake Day got me pondering, hmmmmm. I was thinking about that test we Ma’am’s loathe most, but realize we need. Yes, I’m talking about monitoring and that dastardly mammogram. Good grief.

I have been at the age where sales people refer to me as Ma’am for a while now. This began about the age when my MD started scheduling my annual MA’AMmogram. (I stole this line from a comic’s routine – very witty).

If your bubbies weren’t sagging when you arrived, they surely will by the time you leave – FLAT like a pancake. I recall my last one…I checked in and waited as my heart fluttered nervously. Then the technician called my name and locked her steely gaze onto mine. I’m going in for a fun ride here. Someone’s in a cranky mood this Friday afternoon and it isn’t me……yet.

Ok, you get down to business and drop the dairies to get this over and done with. I know the drill, I’ve been coming here for many years now so get those jaws of life in gear so I can vamoose home. Surely a man has designed this machine because the technician uses an accelerator pedal on the floor to close the clamp on your poor booby….really, really tightly, FLAT like a pancake.

I’m in position for the first picture and the technician says “hold your breath”. Well my dear, it was hurting so much I was ALREADY holding my breath. Then comes the other “angled shot”. If the breast wasn’t dislodged from the pec muscle in your chest after the first picture, then this other view will surely do the job. UG.

The 4 pics have been taken and the song lingering in my head is “do your ears hang low, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow, can you throw them over your shoulder….” Do you remember that tune from days of old? Somehow it applies to this test, only it doesnt refer to your ears. My final thought as I leave is how that machine would make a great nut cracker…..

All joking aside ladies, it is not only important to monitor all aspects of your body but your life DEPENDS on it. Get out of the dark and go to your annual check up if you haven’t lately.

As another Pancake Day comes and goes think about whether you’ve been missing your annual check ups with the related tests. If your breasts are a little too perky because you missed your annual Ma’am-o-gram find that requisition and make the call. Time to get it into your calendar :-)

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Lights Out on the Superbowl

February 3rd, 2013 No Comments Tags:

Well I spent Sunday night watching the game
Was a slow start at first for my 49′er team

So I was a bit bored and decided I’d do
My mat routine and weights and then I’d lift me a few

Did some lunges and squats and stretches left and right
Then half time came on and to watch it, I might

The lights went out then the fireworks spewed
And Beyonce came out and showed us just what she knew

Dancing and singing, high boots and an upright kick
She did it so hard I flinched then to I took hold of my hip

I walked in some boots this week and know it was a mistake
Cause the next day to soles of my feet surely ached

After that show I’m sure her feet will be
Needing a rub from whoever, but her hub JayZ

Her form outdid the boys taking a rest from the game
She’s Foxy Cleopatra compared to them who seem tame

Well my verdict about the MVP whose ferocious?
It’s half time with Beyonce, she is sooooo booty-licious!

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Get RAW or Maybe NOT

December 31st, 2012 No Comments Tags: ,

I recently had the pleasure of dining at a restaurant featuring raw, vegan food. Oh joy! I haven’t quite experienced this food craze ’til now. I don’t think I’ll try it again any time soon, either. I may preach incessantly about getting your 5-10 a day of veggies and fruit and I will continue. But this has taken “healthy” out of the granola crunch ball park to a whole new stratosphere. One plane I will not evolve to.

This novel dining establishment was on the California coast. I thought “…how great it would be to give this a try as a New Year rolls in like the waves on the beach”. I have a full understanding that a “raw diet” doesn’t cook or barely heat anything. I didn’t quite realize how much I long for hot food though. Oh my! When my luke warm frothy tomato soup arrived I wanted to ask our bubbly waitress to nuke it. That would mean they’d need to have a microwave….. duh.

A few menu recommendations were given. I figured it’d be safe to follow the suggestions, one being “amazing lasagna”. How can you turn your nose up on that? She explained that because they were vegan they don’t have real cheese, but make something like it from nuts. Hmmmm. Trust me, it wasn’t anything like it. Not even close. Thank goodness for organic chardonnay. It washes anything down well, while lifting my spirits.

As my spirits were rising a local patron sauntered in rather raw looking himself and not necessarily in a good way. A prophet-like fellow, the real Gandolf the Grey with hair down to his waist, a beard almost as long and of course sandals. Ok this guy took “Movember” to a whole new level, starting say 15 years ago. Where’s Edward Scissor-hands when you need him or Mario the barber? He sat there making flowers out of paper. How novel! Then dinner just got giggly….

My so called “amazing” lasagna arrived along with another glass of organic wine, this time Pinot Noir. Now, I KNOW amazing because my Mom is Italian and makes ALL food amazing including lasagna. This was a luke warm pile of uncooked veggies with that cheese substitute sauce made from nuts that looked like Thousand Island dressing. Oh maybe I need a third glass of wine to help adjust my attitude. Where’s the parmagiana? Where are the noodles? Come on lady, throw me a bone….please and make it a real one.

From my seat in the restaurant I can see “TK Burger” across the street for which they have a drive thru lane. A perfect trap door from this too healthy California dreaming experience. Order mine with the works!

Ya I love healthy food, but I truly love healthy food that tastes amazing. Truly amazing. Why compromise? I can think of a number of things in life I want raw and food does not make my list. Give me a fresh salad. Give me a crunchy fruit but that’s as raw in the food department as I’m ready to get. Ok so call me a Neanderthal, I don’t care. I’ll be ordering a steak the same time tomorrow you can bet on that. Since God created fire, please prepare mine with heat, with steam and everything. Even better sprinkle a bit of cheese on it too. REAL cheese.

This little experiment was worth trying for a day. One day only. Been there. Done that. Woke up hungry ready for a hot breakfast. A good practice though, for when my power goes out….

Happy New Year! Consider making one change for the better, not 101. One positive step in the right direction is a perfect way to start the New Year off right.

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Making Plans for 2013??

December 26th, 2012 No Comments Tags: , , , ,

Well folks you know where I stand on making New Year’s resolutions. In two words, I don’t! What’s so magical about January 1st anyways? If this is your only day to make a new goal to change you’ve got an excuse to be naughty and not nice for the balance of the year before next New Year. Think again! Any day of the year is a good day to make a change to better yourself. Here’s a handy list of ideas to consider now and to refer to all year though.

DO – Aim to get more active every season of the year. Get moving!

DON’T – Eat with distractions, especially in front of the TV. Be mindful!

DO – Work toward having more meals together as a family. Connect!

DON’T – Start any fad diet. Be sensible!

DO – Try a new easy, healthy recipe every few weeks and aim to cook more. Get cooking!

DON’T – Weigh yourself every day. You’ll go batty. Focus on positive changes!

DO – Get off your duff and more more. Your life could depend on it. Worth stating twice!

DON’T – Eliminate your favourite foods, you’ll just crave them like crazy. Get real!

DO – Plan to make food choices using all of the food groups. Stay balanced!

DON’T – Follow the crowd, follow your own inner voice and plans. Be a leader!

DO – Take the RealAge test once per year. It’s VERY insightful. Get younger!

DON’T – Make excuses. Trust me, there are people worse off than you, so tune your attitude in. Get real!

DO – Get in the habit of reading food product labels. Knowledge is power. Be informed!

DON’T – Change your plans like the wind changes direction every time the news reports on a different study. Stay focused!

DO – Take your annual physical check up and dentist visit. Stay on top of things because prevention is key. Think prevention!

DON’T – Take anecdotal advice. Just because Aunt Jane is a smart accountant, doesn’t mean she knows squat about nutrition. Get reliable advice!

DO – Work in small rewards and love yourself more. Be your own best friend. Get pumped!

DON’T – Aim for perfection. Be realistic!

DO – Work on looking and feeling better everyday. You may do better when you feel great. Stay motivated!

Ok, so there you have it,  some food for thought as we propel ourselves to the New Year.

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Twas the Night Before Christmas

December 19th, 2012 No Comments Tags: , , , , , ,

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through my room,

Was a sugar rush happening, and a big sense of doom.

I had come down to realize, I would make me a plan,

And to see just how with it, so with notions I ran.

I did some soul searching, and got my head straight,

One of these, one of those, eh, that’s all that I ate.

I would loosen up the rules, during this most cherished time,

That brings small yummy pleasures, would be oh so very fine.

In the meantime I’d up the ante on my activity routine.

Or the extras would come back to bite me come New Year’s scene.

It’s a balancing act of those ins with those outs.

By staying in the moment surely gives you more clout.

Change your focus to enjoy all aspects of the season.

Sharing joy with one another is really the reason.

To celebrate to the max like it’s 1999.

Cause really who knows what next year’ll bring….we’ll know in time.


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12 Dieting Days of Christmas, 2012 Edition

December 5th, 2012 No Comments Tags: , , ,

Ok my cherished T & T followers. Let’s all sing along together from the same proverbial song-sheet now that the Christmas season is in full swing, shall we? HmHmmHmm.

On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me:

1 Breakfast Every Day – Successful losers say and research shows it’s the most important meal of the day. Don’t miss it!

2 Tiny Treats – Partake in some but not every one of the season’s yummies with the festivities. All foods fit, but eventually put a lid on it!

3 Milk Servings – Getting enough of the white stuff gives you that vitamin D you need during these darkest days of the year and every day, plus calcium. Glug glug glug, bottoms up.

4 Food Groups – Eating a balanced diet now and all year through helps fill you up with the vitamins and minerals your bodies crave. Alas, chocolate is still not a food group!!

5 Times A Eating – Having 3 meals and 2 snacks each day especially during party season helps keep your nibblies at bay. This pattern will quell that raging hunger that comes when you skip meals.

6 No-cal Drinks – Saving calories somewhere in your regimen during the season will help your skinny jeans fit come January, like they did in November.

7 Saboteurs to Contend With – Make a plan and stick to it, no matter who’s trying to throw you under the bus. You’ll be glad you did.

8 Suares to Go To – Dress for dieting success and make your parties a “no mu mu zone” (i.e. have a cinched waist). Have a snack before you go!

9 Time Outs – Finding quiet time from the go go go go helps ease the pressure that this time of year brings. Enjoy the moment, cause you’re not gonna get this particular season back ever again. Find your center too, ummmmmm!

10 Fruits & Veg – Eating your 5-10 a day quota of these gems everyday helps fill you up while easing those “extras” out because you’re simply feeling full. A true gift to a better you.

11 Blocks of Walkin’ – Getting and keeping moving by adding in extra blocks of walking will help burn off those extra calorie that have snuck in somehow.

12 Bends & Stretches – Sticking to your calisthenic routine will keep that crunch in your abs. Five more, four more, three more…

Ok folks, if you follow this beat for the coming days you’ll be in good shape and feeling extra cheer by New Year and the whole year through!!

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Ode to the Olympics

July 28th, 2012 No Comments Tags: , , ,

The olympics are here
What a great time of year
To watch and reflect then
Get your big butt in gear

How can you improve?
It can start when you move!
Get off that couch,
Sit up straight and out of a slouch

Enjoy all the sports
You’ll view every sort
Those beach volley ball players
Have six packs in shorts!

Makes me wanna get down
And move around and around
Doing ab crunches, squats and
Stop clowning around

Yes the olympics are here
Time to get one thing clear
We can make some small changes
And reap the benefits all year!

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Hey Foood

July 5th, 2012 No Comments Tags: ,

Hey food,
Don’t let me down
You should be full of
Vitamins and minerals
Remember, the less it’s processed is best
And more of that really is, oh so much be-e-e-tter

And any time you can refrain, try food for your brain
Don’t carry the guilt, cause all foods fit
Well you know that it’s a fool who is too strict
So make your diet a little broader

Hey food, don’t call it “bad”
Take out a fast food, once in a whi-i-i-i-le
Remember to leave the guilt then tomorrow you’ll eat oh so much better
Better, better, better, better, better, better OHHHHHH

Na na na, na na na na, nana na na, hey food…..

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Wrath of Grapes

June 8th, 2012 No Comments Tags:

We found ourselves in the Okanagan Valley a short while ago taking in all that it has to offer…well almost. Looking to ship some of their wine-gems back to Ontario where it’s next to impossible to get, the hammer came down on our plan to courier a case or two home. “Cross border laws” dated back to 1928 was the reason and our vendor of choice Discover Wine was issued a slap on the wrist for their enterprising ways. What gives?!

To taste the likes of any of the BC wine is to love it. Billy Joel’s jingle “bottle of red, bottle of white….” can be my theme song of sorts. When asked which I prefer I simply don’t discriminate and say “yes” to it all. Sipping an icy glass of Joie Pinot Gris brings me joy. Swirling my glass of Note Bene gives me a bene note (a good night!). I’ll make a freudian slip with a sip of Therapy’s Superego or a giggle with a gulp of Laughing Stock. Jimmy My Pal is another old reliable from See Ya Later that’ll make me howl when shared with my friend Joan. There simply isn’t a wine from that valley I don’t love. Bring it all on for it’s Canada’s best kept secret. If you haven’t tried any you don’t know what you’re missing.

When I visit my local LCBO there’s plenty of South African, Spanish, Chilean, Italian, French, Californian (and more) wines to choose from. But I prefer wine from Canada’s desert valley most. Please don’t wait another 84 years to make a decision that we can get our hands on this liquid gold in every province. Get some progress in our so-called Progressive Conservatives.

“Only in Canada you say”, yes it figures and yes, “it’s a pity”. The last time I checked “cross border” meant going south to the US of A. Although my geography prowess isn’t always stellar, the last pop quiz I took on the subject, BC was one of the provinces of Canada…. or shall I say Cana-duh!

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Got Another New Drug – Burn-Off-Alot 2

February 25th, 2012 No Comments Tags: , , ,

I heard that the FDA just approved a new anti-obesity drug. Perhaps it’ll be called Burn-Off-Alot 2! Because we live in a land where anything seems possible, we assume someday someone else will solve our dilemmas. The proverbial “they”….. Alas, “they” and we already know the solution to this Rubics Cube problem – burn more calories than you consume, repeat day after day, month after month until your weight is where it ought to be? It’s reality, albeit a harsh one for some.

Look, we can compare life to a game of Snakes and Ladders. Remember that one?? You roll the dice, hit a good tile with a ladder on the game board and move ahead a bunch of spaces…get a bad roll and you hit a snake and fall behind a bunch of spaces. Well a drug like this is like hitting the tile with the snake that really looks like a ladder, which eventually turns into a snake. Got it? Every miracle weight loss solution is the same. Not a ladder to success but a snake of a deal wrought with failure….eventually.

I find the most unfortunate part of this is that the user bares the brunt of the problems and feels something’s wrong with THEM when they yo-yo to lose then regain weight. The only thing wrong with this notion is the search for a miracle solution when there isn’t one.

The other thing we need to remember is we live in a land where ultra-slimness is idolized. I’m not sure if we even know what “normal weight” looks like if we bumped into it. I don’t know about your TV set or magazine advertisements, but mine are chocked full of images of skinny wenches. Aren’t yours? Anorexia nervosa is NOT in, nor has it ever been. If a Martian came down from outer space and took a look around, they might have a good argument on their hands on this topic. We’d all be better off finding a realistic comfortable weight to shoot for then stay there. Check out what the range of weight for your Body Mass Index is at the link in the right margin.

Now when this drug comes onto the market I can hear the laundry list of disclaimers already:

Burn-Off-Alot works best when you follow a 1,200 calorie/day diet and exercise 30-60 minutes/day. Avoid all fast food drive thrus while using Burn-Off-Alot. Avoid eating pillow sacks of junk food in front of the TV, especially after midnight or any serving the size of your head while taking Burn-Off-Alot. Drink enough fluids while taking Burn-Off-Alot. Jumbo Slushies do not qualify as one of these fluids. Burn-Off-Alot may cause sensations of satiety (i.e. feelings of fullness) so stop eating when you feel this sensation. Keep out of reach of children, especially the skinny ones….

The next thing we know the competition will launch False-Hope-to-Slim then Skinny-Genie-Tonic with the claim “magic in a bottle”. Whatever you do, don’t fall for it….

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