Monitoring Mania – The Annual Physical

June 25th, 2010 No Comments Tags: , , , ,

Yes monitoring your physical status IS important. It’s vital!! It’s important to know where you’re at so you know where you need to go. Last week I had my annual physical and at age 49, oh joy – from the MD appointment, extra blood work to monitor my thyroid function, return visit because my period is no longer “well timed” and the mammogram, I just about had it. I totally realize the importance of all this, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it….

I really can’t skip my physical, because my MD won’t extend my thyroid medication prescription. I will; however, drive an hour for this one blood test with the hope she’ll raise my dose just a tad.

My appointment starts with the weigh-in by the receptionist. A great place to start the week after returning from the all inclusive vacation! She wings the scale’s balance mechanism over like the butcher would for a veal shank. Somehow you think that by edging the balance mechanism over slowly might allow it to shift just one more notch.

Then comes the girth test to measure my waist size (groan). You can’t fake that like you can at a fancy ladies clothes store, can you? The more expensive the clothes the smaller the size. I can buy myself into a 4 or even a 2 where the size is disproportional to the price. You cannot; however, fool the tape measure. She measures in centimetres so 36-24-36 no longer applies….as if it ever did. Somehow the seventy-something cm measure doesn’t sound so sexy…..

Then comes the corollary activities and tests. I’m now at the age where sales people call me Ma’am, which is about when my MD started scheduling my annual MA’AMmogram. (I stole this line from a comic’s routine – very witty). If your bubbies weren’t sagging when you arrived, they surely will by the time you leave. You check in and wait, then the technician calls my name and locks her steely gaze onto mine. I’m going in for a fun ride here. Someone’s in a cranky mood this Friday afternoon and it isn’t me……yet.

Ok, you get down to business and drop the dairies to get this over with. I know the drill, I’ve been coming here for 9 years now so get those jaws of life in gear so I can vamoose home. Surely a man has designed this machine because the technician uses an accelerator pedal on the floor to close the clamp on your poor booby….really, really tightly. I’m in position for the first picture and the technician says “hold your breath”. Well my dear, it was hurting so much I was ALREADY  holding my breath. Then comes the other “angled shot”. If the breast wasn’t dislodged from the pec muscle in your chest after the first picture, then this other view will surely do the job. UG.

The 4 pics have been taken and the song lingering in my head is “do your ears hang low, can you tie them in a knot, can you tie them in a bow, can you throw them over your shoulder….” Do you remember that tune from days of old? Somehow it applies to this test, only it doesnt refer to your ears. My final thought as I leave is how that machine would make a great nut cracker…..

All joking aside, it is not only important to monitor your weight, girth, blood work, blood pressure, mole status and everything else but your life DEPENDS on it. Get out of the dark and go to your annual check up if you haven’t lately.

Next year, I’ll be scheduled for my first colonoscopy after turning 50. I’m sure I’ll be writing about it, God willing :-)

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